100 Free Harmonicas Posted (with boxes?)
The 100 free harmonicas were 1mm too thick to go out as large letters for 79p so the very nice Post Office lady in Rochdale (where they sell framed portraits of the Kray twins!) suggested that I take all of the harmonicas out of their boxes and place them loose in the envelopes.
“Madam!” I said, “These are precious musical instruments being sent to poor, grieving, remoaner, lefty snowflakes. I will NOT unbox them, risking damage which would condemn the poor, grieving Corbynite traitors to yet more emotional trauma.”
Her friendly face remained unchanged but she said, “It’s £3 per parcel if you keep them in their boxes.”
“Comrade,” said I, “I can’t jeopardise the musical future of an aspiring young Marxist by having any of these harmonicas trodden on and broken. I’ll pay £3 per parcel instead of 79p. Let’s proceed at £3 per parcel.”
Her face and demeanour remained that of a beloved family friend but she took a notepad and pen and wrote the following.
100 × 79p = £79
100 × £3 = £300
She tore off the sheet and passed it to me across the counter. “Yes, my good lady, I can see that you have my best interests at hear and it’s a big price difference but you must understand, I’ve made a promise and I must keep it. I’ve promised 100 free harmonicas including free p&p to 100 communist, chairman-mao-loving, terrorist-sympathisers and if they don’t receive their harmonicas in mint condition I fear they might set Owen Jones on me!
She glowed radiantly with the inner wisdom of someone who has dealt with countless foolish customers who are intent on taking the wrong course of action, but the growing queue behind me was getting restless and ours was the only till open, it was the last Friday before Christmas and the previous customer needed lengthy advice about his passport “check & send” form (“I’m really sorry, Sir, but the countersignature has to have known you for at least 2 years, you’ll have to come back when you’ve changed it.”)
She made a final attempt to change my mind, “There’ll be a 4-minute wait on the safe if you want £300 worth of stamps. Are you sure you don’t want to unwrap them all and send them loose?” and helpfully demonstrated for the 3rd time how very close the boxed harmonicas came to fitting through the large letter slot.
“I’m very sorry, Madame but I’ve made a promise to 100 of the UK’s most dangerous “I’m a feminist” t-shirt-wearing loons and I fear that if the infamous “Momentum” lynch mob found out that I’d been disloyal they would crush my business with a highly-sophisticated smear-campaign accusing me of being a fox-hunting, Hummer-driving, duck-pond-cleaning, cash-for-questions-touting, hospital-closing, IRA-loving, oil-investing, war-mongering, trump-hand-holding, climate-change-denying, Greta-Thunberg-hating, cucumber-wrapping, plastic-straw-sucking, red-meat-eating, banana-importing, £1-Asda-George-t-shirt-buying, Daily-Mail-story-provider!” (the last part was true but she couldn’t possibly know!)
I turned round to see that the queue behind me were all live-streaming my polite-but-firmly-delivered monologue to Facebook and the hashtag #RochdaleRemoanerPleaseKillYourself was already trending across Twitter and Jeremy Vine was promoting the retaliatory #IStandWithHarmonicaMan hashtag.
To cut a long story short, yesterday I posted all of the free harmonicas WITH boxes because nobody gets cheered up by a bent harmonica. I should remind anyone who has bothered to read this far (have you really got nothing better to do!?) that I accidentally let 300 people claim a free harmonica despite only having 100 to give away. So I’m very sorry to the 200 of you who won’t get one.
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Goodbye! Enjoy your harmonica and enjoy your Saturday.
Love from Mark x