Off Topic: Sugar-Free Polos Make you Fart and Poo a Lot!

This is a public service announcement. Do not eat sugar-free Polos unless you enjoy spending your entire day hunting down the nearest toilet and not caring who can hear as you let rip a giant explosion of gas and detritus.

Picture the scene. You’re trying to be “good”. Trying to eat healthy. One easy first step is to cut down on your sugar. So instead of a chocolate, you might eat a protein bar that has a light coating of chocolate, and instead of your normal daily pack of Polos you might feel proud of yourself for switching to sugar-free Polos. Excellent. Well done. #winning.

But that week, you realise something different with your bowels. You are constantly farting all day long. Not particularly smelly ones, but they are constant and they are huge. At first, maybe that’s good fun. Who doesn’t enjoy a good fart that doesn’t linger? But then the explosions become more frequent and larger, to the point where you just can’t risk letting them out without sitting on the loo. They are too powerful, the risk is too high that an unwelcome 3rd party might sneak out with the gas emissions.

So you spend more time on the loo. At first, you don’t want anyone to hear, so you time it carefully. You watch the toilet door at work or Wetherspoons, and you count 3 people in, 2 people out, that means there’s only 1 person in there. You wait and watch ready to jump in when that last person comes back out. But disaster strikes, another bloke wanders in, and then another, so we are back up to 3 people in the loo and the pressure downstairs is building all the time.

A few minutes later, you’ve counted 3 people out and can safely make your move. In you go, do the business, no need to flush whilst going as nobody is there to listen. Job done, success, excellent, we can get on with our day now.

But now, the explosions keep coming and they are consistently too big to be trusted. You employ your best fine manual controls to release small amounts of gas at regular intervals, leaning over slightly to allow easier escape, nobody will know, they think I’m just reaching for a pen or straining to read the clock. But before long, those regular small vents can’t keep up with the demand. It’s time for the toilet again.

This is becoming stressful. What do you do when stressed? You snack! So you nibble your way through a few more sugar-free Polos whilst counting people in and out of the toilet again. This time you don’t need that final person to come out, you just need to know that only 1 person is in there, then you can go in knowing that they are probably washing their hands and about to leave. It works. You find the stall just as the last chap is washing his hands. But what was that noise as he left? Why did he say, “Thanks Pal”. Oh no, there are footsteps. Someone else has come in.

No bother, I will employ the “push & flush” technique to drown out the sound. On your marks, get set, flush-and-push combo successfully deployed. Nobody heard the old 2-stroke echo chamber due to the noisy flush.

Back to the table, you seek comfort from your Polos and are halfway through your second packet by around 3pm. Time to pick the kids up from school.

Should I end this with a “drop the kids off at the pool?” innuendo? Hmm, can my audience take that level of toilet humour?

Let’s try. Here’s my closing line.

I went to pick the kids up from school and then I rushed to drop the kids off at the pool.

I’m done now. Need to get some work done.

Tags for Google:
sugar-free polos, fart, gas, diarrhoea, loose bowels, laxative